Mayday

This week has been extremely hard. I was holding up pretty well the first month, but all of a sudden all my emotions are heightened. My poor hubby took quite the beating, and I had a lot of apologizing to do.

I think it was the combination of my birthday, mothers day, the burial, and starting my menstrual cycle again.


I remember tracking the days and especially looking forward to the thought of being pregnant during my birthday, how big would I be? I should be feeling the baby move by then. I'd be nearly 25 weeks!  All those thoughts came rushing back to me. At night, we went to my parent's home to celebrate, things were going well, I could feel the emotions just below the surface, but I had a tight rein on them- then, my cousin called. Turns out my mom didn't call my family to let them know I lost the baby.  I was at the dinner table, against the wall and I felt so trapped. I left and told them to eat without me while I spoke to my cousin.

I don't blame her for not knowing, besides, at least someone was talking about it.

Mothers Day. Mother's day was a new kind of torture. I went with my mom to church and I see at the door they're giving away these flower pins to all the mothers. I get passed over, of course, and in a way I didn't want one- I think. Anyway, worship was good and it was nice sitting with my grandma and parents. The pastor gave a quick word, and then they started out giving gifts. My God, was that hard. I had to sit there while they talked about what being a mother was, different types of mothers etc. and I was none of them. When they started asking children to get up and say something to their mothers, I knew I had to leave.

I felt horrible and like I stuck out when I got up and made a beeline to the bathroom. My husband accompanied me and asked if I wanted to leave. At first, I wasn't sure, because I didn't want to make my mom feel sad, but then, I knew I would just make a scene if I stayed. Afterward, we went out to dinner and had cake and presents at home.

I got a "Happy Mother'd Day " from my dad and grandma at church, and I didn't know how to feel about it. In a way, I wanted to ignore what I was feeling, but then at the same time, I just wanted to yell until everyone, and I understood what I felt.

I just wish someone would have asked me how I was. Taken a moment apart to talk to me. I feel so isolated, I think if it weren't for my hubby, I'd go mad.

I think that's all I'll write today, it's exhausting reliving these feelings. I'll make another post sometime about the burial. </3


I miss you Rawr!

Aurora Leigh

The mortuary called us last Monday and told us that our little "Rawr" was a little girl. We decided to name her Aurora Leigh. Finding out that we were having a little girl made it so much better, and so much harder at the same time.

Now that we have a name we are able to move forward with so many things. The mortuary was able to get a name change on the hospital documents, and we were finally able to order the urn.

In loving arms

Unfortunately, the site wrote to tell me that wouldn't have it in stock 'till the following week, so basically, things are at a standstill once again. Honestly, I just want all this to be over. I want closure.I want to lay my baby to rest.

My birthday is in a few days... Doing all this around this time is so hard to think about. It's like I've separated both events in my head. My birthday, and my baby's funeral. God, give me strength to get through these coming days.

A Place to Rest

Danny and I went to the cemetery today. We looked at different options, but in the end we decided to go for an internment. We are going to speak to the mortuary tomorrow and discuss the options for cremation there first, and then we can move forward with the cemetery. So far, it seems like our idea of using our own urn is going to work out.

Greenwood Memorial Park

I thank God for the generosity of so many people.Because of them, all this actually seems possible. I really wish there was something I could do to show how much they have touched me. I plan to make cookies or cupcakes to express my gratitude in some small way. I know it's not enough, but I hope they accept it nonetheless.

-Natalie

Memento

It's been more than two weeks since I found out that my little one didn't have a heart beat. I have gone through more emotions that I can count, and many times they all hit me at once. My heart still hurts, but I find that these days have brought healing and the beginning of what I know to be peace.

When we found out we were pregnant, my husband and I looked on the online site to see what our little one looked like at that stage of life. Our baby at that point,we found, didn't look very human, but rather quite reptilian. My husband remarked that our baby looked like a dinosaur, to which I responded, "Rawr," and so the name stuck.

Recently, we ordered a plushie to remind us of "Rawr." There were quite a variety of choices, but when we both saw this "dreamy eyes" tyrannosaurus, we knew we had to order it.

Dreamy Eyes T-Rex



Having something tangible to hold during times of grief has helped me more than I thought it would, and I am very happy that we ordered it.

I realize that this is just the beginning of a very long road that lay ahead, but with the help of my family, friends, and most importantly, God, I know I will make it through.

-Natalie