Mayday

This week has been extremely hard. I was holding up pretty well the first month, but all of a sudden all my emotions are heightened. My poor hubby took quite the beating, and I had a lot of apologizing to do.

I think it was the combination of my birthday, mothers day, the burial, and starting my menstrual cycle again.


I remember tracking the days and especially looking forward to the thought of being pregnant during my birthday, how big would I be? I should be feeling the baby move by then. I'd be nearly 25 weeks!  All those thoughts came rushing back to me. At night, we went to my parent's home to celebrate, things were going well, I could feel the emotions just below the surface, but I had a tight rein on them- then, my cousin called. Turns out my mom didn't call my family to let them know I lost the baby.  I was at the dinner table, against the wall and I felt so trapped. I left and told them to eat without me while I spoke to my cousin.

I don't blame her for not knowing, besides, at least someone was talking about it.

Mothers Day. Mother's day was a new kind of torture. I went with my mom to church and I see at the door they're giving away these flower pins to all the mothers. I get passed over, of course, and in a way I didn't want one- I think. Anyway, worship was good and it was nice sitting with my grandma and parents. The pastor gave a quick word, and then they started out giving gifts. My God, was that hard. I had to sit there while they talked about what being a mother was, different types of mothers etc. and I was none of them. When they started asking children to get up and say something to their mothers, I knew I had to leave.

I felt horrible and like I stuck out when I got up and made a beeline to the bathroom. My husband accompanied me and asked if I wanted to leave. At first, I wasn't sure, because I didn't want to make my mom feel sad, but then, I knew I would just make a scene if I stayed. Afterward, we went out to dinner and had cake and presents at home.

I got a "Happy Mother'd Day " from my dad and grandma at church, and I didn't know how to feel about it. In a way, I wanted to ignore what I was feeling, but then at the same time, I just wanted to yell until everyone, and I understood what I felt.

I just wish someone would have asked me how I was. Taken a moment apart to talk to me. I feel so isolated, I think if it weren't for my hubby, I'd go mad.

I think that's all I'll write today, it's exhausting reliving these feelings. I'll make another post sometime about the burial. </3


I miss you Rawr!